I have lost my mind and it better not come back.

I was always under the assumption that as you got older you got wiser.
At least thats how the saying goes.
That statement is totally false! In my case anyways.
The older I get, the busier I get,
my ability to multi-task decreases,
as does my abilty to uni-task,
my organizational lists get lost,
my weight and urinary tract functions increase,
sarcasm and cynicism are my only forms of communication,
my body refuses to perform silently,
sleep arrives only in 2 hour shifts and
my memory is virtually just a memory.
There is nothing of wisdom in these occurences!
Dadgummitt!!

I always wanted to be a nice, sweet old lady and this totally gets in my way and messes things up.
That is why when I snapped yesterday yelling and crying at God over the myriad of unimaginably trivial things happening this week, I said to myself, "You have lost your mind!".

I no longer will look for my mind either.
It wanted to leave, well then good luck out there in the world of reality.
I no longer care.
I can't care because if I do then my mind will tell me that I am falling apart.
Who needs that?
I try to ignore that fact on a daily basis.
My mind just adds to my stress.
So when my mind checked out yesterday it was kind of a relief.

Remember though, that I want to be a nice person, so there is the posssibility that I will take it back if it wants to return, but we will have to have a long talk beforehand.

I will let you know!!!



'Abby Normal' Brain


Thank-you for being here.
Thanks for reading my blog!

Best Lotion Ever 2

Back in my other blog, Chicken Nuggets (chickendotpie.blogspot.com), I had a post about The Best Lotion.
I used up 2 whole homemade batches of the stuff (remember my propencity towards reptilian skin? God Bless Godzilla). Yet whilst pondering about making a new batch, I was on the old internet learning about the wonders of coconut oil*.
So I said to myself, says I, "Lets put some coconut oil in my lotion recipe so I can have nice skin forever".
I had some coconut oil from 19diggity2 (I really don't recall the year but it was when my son had mono and someone told me it would help him heal faster and that was years ago).
It smelled fine, looked fine, felt fine, so I used it. Expiration dates?? Those are for babies and people who don't live dangerously!
Anyway...
I cut the vaseline in the recipe by 1/2 and used the other 1/2 as coconut oil.
Best thing I could have done.
The lotion soaks right in while feeling light on the skin.
Well worth washing a bowl and some beaters to make.
Below you will find my NEW recipe and I hope you find it to your liking.


Ingredients for Best Lotion Ever.

These are the ingredients:

Johnson Baby Lotion (any scent)
Coconut Oil
Vaseline
Vitamin E Cream

These are the ratios and they CAN be halved:

16 oz. baby lotion
4 oz. Coconut Oil
4 oz. Vaseline
8 oz. Vitamin E Cream

Mix all ingredients with hand mixer till it looks like frosting.


Graceful Grandma's Homemade Lotion.

Thats it ! You will thank me and your skin will thank YOU !!!

Thanks for being here.
Thanks for reading my blog.

*Coconut oil looks like an ointment or cold cream when you buy it, but melts at a very low temperatures (like 76 or 78) so it melts right into your skin. Fabulous!



Before Lotion.


After Lotion.

My Ben and Jerry's Therapy.

This morning was a rough one for me.
Rough because our new puppy "Baxter" who is now 6 months old went to the vet to be fixed.
I knew it was gonna happen for months, but chose to keep it a secret from him.
So when I dropped him off and he was his usual happy, playful puppy self, I was over come with guilt.
He was born intact and had no idea I was ever intending to cut off his body parts.



Baxter the Boxer

I felt awful about it.
So awful that I consolled myself by buying myself some new clothes and some Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream.
Came home to soothe my burdened soul by eating 2 of the 5 flavors I purchased.
Bless you Ben and Jerry.
They understand your every sadness as the sweet, creamy goodness slides off the spoon into your tummy.

Emotional eating, you might ask?
Completely accurate they might say.

Problem not solved just avoided, you might ask?
Totally accurate they might say.

Excess calories added to an already over the limit daily diary of food, you might ask?
Have some more they might say.

Am I feeling better, you might ask?
"Of course I do.............NOT", 'I' might say. cause I can answer my own dadgum questions.

But the ice cream was delicious and eating it was something to do while I waited for the time I could pick up my dog and tell him I am sorry.
Ben and Jerry got me through the day in their unique theraputic way.

I am so grateful that I made an appointment with them again for tomorrow.



Ben and Jerry's. The Best Therapy!

Thank you for being here.


P.S. Baxter was/is happy, fine and bouncy.

Domestic Epiphany (or Why are there so many Brackets?)

Those of you that have been reading my blog this past year now realize that housekeeping is not one of my gifts (or did you?).
I make an effort to clean only when company is coming (not often) or when I'm in the mood (even less often) or after loosing a bet (even less, less often) or I find a new cleaning product that intrigues me (even less, less, less often! Why take money from the wine budget?)

So while I was washing my hair in the kitchen sink (because winter turns my skin reptilian and I avoid more than one shower a day) I noticed that the kitchen floor needed mopped... again.
I just scrubbed it on my hands and knees last week with a bucket, scrub brush, hot soapy water and towels!!!
Just like in the movies that Hollywood says mirrors real life, yet we all know that no one does that in real life ! (...except me, apparently)


Scrubbing the floor in the real world


"So" says I, (pondering the task before me) "How do I make this easy?" (If you have never said "How can I make this easy?", then we can not be friends. Sorry)
I have talked to my lovely sister repeatedly about purchasing my own steam mopper (she has one) so I could then just plug in the machine and my floors would be instantly sanitary.
"But those things are expensive!" I say to myself as I lean against the microwave.
But all I have is my trusty wet Swiffer®... and... a microwave!!!
Problem solved!!!!
So I popped that wet Swiffer® on a paper plate, stuck it in the microwave for 18-20 seconds and I got a kinda, pretend, almost steam mop.
Worked like a charm.
Stayed warm until it was filthy, didn't fall apart and my floor looked great in just a few wipes and swipes !!



Graceful Grandma "steamy" Swiffer®


That is my wisdom for Wednesday.
(or my cleaning confession)
Yes Hollywood, you win. Scrubbing the floor mirrors my life.



"I love scrubbing floors!
Not really, I just drank all of the wine I bought with the money I saved!"


Thanks for being here.
Thanks for reading my blog.

(by the way, thats not really me or my quote in the above picture. I prefer whiskey) :)

Reasonable Doubt? Define Reasonable.

Thanks Lent.
Like I need more reminders that life is not easy.
That I don't measure up and keep my promises well enough.
Thanks guilt.
I did WAY too much last week and when it came time for my blog, there was not even one complete sentence available in my head for posting.
My little gray cells had exhausted themselves by trying to organize and get stuff done and were now clumped together tightly into the size of a raisin and were only that large so they could keep my lungs working and my heart beating so I could be reminded that I still have high blood pressure.
Thanks Lent, guilt and brain.

Jesus fasts for 40 days in the desert and I can't post 40 blogs about life.

How am I supposed to celebrate Easter when the first 2 weeks of Lent have been an epic failure on my part.
Thanks Lent, guilt, brain, Jesus.
Wait.
Who was with Jesus anyway and told the story of his fasting experience?
He was alone?
Right?
Who knows?
No one was there!!!
That story could have been told with ANY outcome.
Well now you're thinking that because I failed in my Lenten attempt, I'm trying to cut myself some slack by bringing reasonable doubt onto the 40 day Jesus temptation story?
Looks that way!
Thanks Lent, guilt, brain, Jesus, doubt.
Well who tells the story then?

Oh My Gosh !!!
Do you see what I'm doing??
I am trying to make excuses and blame everything else and everyone else!!
Shifting your attention from my shortcomings to Jesus and his temptation story that started this whole Lent thing anyway???
Thanks Lent, guilt, brain, Jesus, doubt, excuses.



Reasonable Doubt


So anyway, am I so far from perfect that I can challenge the Bible and not write my alloted posts with no repercussions?
You know it.
Will I have to account for my bizarre attitude on my lent failure when I get to heaven?
You know it..... and that is only reasonable.

Thanks for being here.

Throwback Thursday?

Those were the Days.


The Gun.

Back when I was young, people came to our house to sell things.
All kinds of things.
Like all kinds of food or food storage products, swimming pools, books, cookware and even insurance.
We felt safe letting all these various people into our homes too.

Nothing like today where you have to go out of your home and then chase someone down and beg them to take your money at the mall for new socks even though the last time you were at the mall, you had to shoo the sales team away by yelling, 'Ten seconds, just leave me alone for ten seconds, I can't even think!"
OR
As an online shopper you have to divulge every secret you have or know, in order to buy a product for $4.99 with $15.95 shipping and then recieve 6,432 emails about your item including your receipt, the shipping details, the sales they are having, their other companies, their surveys and what the company guy with the tape dispenser had for lunch, etc.

So what about the gun picture??.

When our insurance salesman came to our house the actual gun from the picture was sitting on my family's living room side table.
He sat down and exchanged pleasantries then noticed the gun on the table and immediately looked alarmed.
He then looked back to my mother and I sitting on the sofa.
He then verbally asked if what he was pointing at was a gun.
My mother replied that it was.
There is now an even more alarmed expression appearing on the insurance mans' face.

Now to know my mother you would know that she thinks in vague, foggy terms and thinks everyone else does too.
Such as :
"What time is it , mother?", 'Oh, it's tenish"
Or she will tell you, "I need you to go to the store and get those 'thingys' we like with porkchops."
Or "Do you remember where I put that 'thingamajig' I had on Tuesday?"
Therefore since she 'knew' it was a toy, he would also 'know' it was a toy.
No explanation was needed in her mind.

The insurance man asked if she thought it was a good idea to have the gun laying around with children in the house.
My mother replied that it was fine and that each of her children had one......

The insurance mans' alarm is at DEFCON 4 and we are all aware of it now, so with eyes bulging he asks if the gun is loaded,
where upon I pick up the gun to check and he vaults out of his chair with his briefcase held in front of his vital organs and is ready to report my family to the authorities, after and if he manages to escape our home with his life.
My mother who realizing their has been quite a misunderstanding reassures our insurance man that the gun is just a toy, a cap gun and that I was just checking to see if there was still any pops left on the roll.
She consoles him with an offer of some sweet tea and tells me to go play in the other room while she pays her premium and he quickly leaves.

Now I surely enjoyed my cap-gun and the lovely aroma it had when I played with it before this day, and in the man's defense it is very realistic looking, but now it was TOTALLY AWESOME and that is why I still have it.

So, that is how my family single handedly helped get rid of home delivery visits and services and helped pave the way for the malls and the internet.

;)

You're welcome!!!

Thanks you for being here!


Also for another take on this incident please check out my sisters post and blog at:http://ifyouarehappyandyoudonotknowit.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!

Hee Hee

Just a little something to make you smile.
Jimmy Fallon makes me laugh.
I am totally entertained by the Transformer movies and all their sound effects.
Plus, I adore Pee Wee Herman.
The following video is a combination of the above that is short, creative and hysterical.
Enjoy.

Thanks for visiting my blog.
Have a fun day !!!

Real love...

I went back to work today, luckily.
Luckily because one of my good work friends left the job market today to get ready for her wedding.
She has worked with me for almost 10 years.
We talked about all kinds of things in those 10 years.
Friendship, wine, pets, God, life, kids and the men in her life and the ones that ended up NOT being in her life.
But she found one that was different.
They had a good time together.
Soon they were engaged and setting a date.
They are remodeling a home to live in together, they dance, stay involved at church and plan to travel a lot.
She thinks he is a fabulous guy.
All of us at work were so happy for her.
We had a small work celebration to wish her good-bye and happy marriage.
Her fiance' then picked her up from work to take her to dinner to continue the celebration.
He brought a camera to take her pic in front of her 'old' job and was just grinning, happy and proud to be with his fiance'.
It was obvious that he adored her.
They were like teenagers and so excited to be together.
It was obvious that they had real love.
I am blogging about this because early on in our friendship my friend swore that she would never marry...... never.
Again.
But she is so happy now and excited about being almost married.
It makes you happy to see such puppy love.
I feel you should know however, that they are both in their 70's and that their kids are grown.
They both lost spouses to cancer and have been single for a long time.
They have been grandparents for decades.
It is awesome and just puts a warm glow on my day to think about it.
Life is strange and anything can happen.
Thank goodness for that.




Thanks for being here.
Have an 'anything can happen' day!!

Domestic Jerk

The weather here in the south has been fabulous the last several days!
And when I can leave the windows open and the dogs laying in the sun, I feel like doing stuff.
Domestic kinda stuff.
Doing things because you want too is so different than doing things cause you have to.
When you get older you spend a predominant amount of time doing what you want to,
because you are closer to death than birth and as I've said before "You're not the boss of me".
Well I wanted to make stuff. Be creative. Start from scratch. And eat my created stuff.
Cooking is kind of therapy for me.
'Thats all I need'.

So the first day ('seemed like a week') I stayed busy making orange juice from oranges that I grew and then waited for months for them to be ready.
My little orange tree had about 12 oranges on it and I picked them all before I took a pic and thought how it might be a cool post.
The following pic is me with a picked orange trying to look legit. but I really had to go back outside when I was almost finished juicing.
Made two glasses full! Delicious.


Orange Growing Graceful Grandma!

So the second day ('seemed like 5 days') I wanted some apple butter.
I love apple butter but it has to be good and the stores where I live don't carry the good stuff.
So I made my own.
Natural applesauce, sugar, spices, apple juice concentrate and a long time simmering.
It made 2 old peanut butter jars full.
Spicy, sweet and delicious.
Of course again I had to go back, open a jar and take a pic because I did not think it would be on a post.


Graceful Grandma Apple Butter!


So 'the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days.
And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day......'
No really, back to the third day.
I made peanut butter.
Delicious creamy, no extra oils or other stuff, peanuty, peanut butter.
Food processor for 5 minutes, watch it go, warm wonderful peanutty mushiness!


Graceful Grandma Peanut Butter!


All this AND I'm taking care of my grandson who when you think about it I kinda had a hand in making him too!
Well thats just weird and kinda gross, but I did make my daughter who in turn made my grandson.


Graceful Grandma Grandson.

So am I domestic or what??
Mostly 'what' really.
But I have my moments and I'll be glad to make you sandwich!
Somedays thats all I need.
'I don't need one other thing, except my dog'.


Thanks for being here.

Thanks Steve Martin.

I saw the light.....

I don't know about you, but I love to sleep.
Some days my brain just sort of shuts off and screams for a rest.
So, when I go to bed at the end of a day, I like my surroundings to be quiet and dark.
Just kidding,
I have to basically be in a deprivation tank.
Jet workers strength ear plugs, fan going for white noise even in winter, pillows all around and lots of blankets.
No light, no 'weird' noise, no disturbances or distractions of any kind.
I believe this need for isolation resulted from raising 4 children with various animals and being on monster watch at night for 30 mostly sleepless years.

My husband has no such need.
He sleeps through TV, kids visiting, dogs snoring, yard burning, day, night, doesn't matter.
So when he goes to bed , the only thing he worries about is his alarm.
Which is on his phone.
Which glows and beeps and glows again at any or all hours of the night with notifications or texts or who knows what.
Just kidding,
It's like a large working lighthouse at night when it lights up!
I am drawn to it out of a deep sleep, like a moth.
(Could be my problem, see my post.. "Ate a Moth Today.....or.....Cereal with a Bonus").
Most of the time he turns it upside down so it stays dark.
But sometimes he forgets.
Just kidding,
He does it on purpose to keep monsters at bay, cause he was a kid once.
Just kidding,
He really just doesn't think about it.
But it so matters.


I write this post in a drowsy state because...guess who's phone was lit up half the night???
Just kidding,
ALL night.
I couldn't turn it off or the dogs would want to go out or my husband would talk and wonder whats up and then I'd really never go back to sleep.
So I turn over to try and ignore it and notice the draperies have a 3 inch crack in them so that all the night time city lights shine through....right at me.
Just kidding,
It was like we were visiting the surface of the sun and it was streaming through a tiny crack in my drapes, right into my brain.
And even when I closed my eyes, they would want to open again to see to see this mystical, monster repelling, amazing, sleep depriving, life giving, what seemed like a million watt crack of light.
Repeatedly.
AAARrrrrrggggghhhh.
No sleep.
No monsters to worry about though, cause they hate the light too, but no sleep for me either.
Just lay there for a couple more hours was my plan.
Toss and turn and plan the new day.
Whoops, my hand is hanging over the edge of the bed now.
Turn over again.
No body parts will EVER hang over the bed at night.
Lights or no lights.
You never know what could be under the bed........
Well you kinda do, but you really don't want to think about it.
Thats another reason why you need a good nights sleep!!
I guess I'll try again tomorrow night.




Something to think about.


Thanks for being here.

Faux human children.

I truly adored raising my children.
They made me laugh all the time.
I think somehow they knew that their mothers motto was 'Life sucks, then you die.'
So to keep their mother intact and able to do all things motherly, they were wonderful easy children to raise (with only a few exceptions)
and innately knew that they had to keep their mother amused.
I am grateful to them for that on a daily basis.
BUT they have, all but one, moved out of the house and taken their antics with them.
So to keep myself amused and in perpetual motion, I have dogs.
2 dogs.
A recent addition has been a boxer puppy named Baxter.
Baxter, Baxter, Baxter.


Baxter relaxing.

Baxter is the child replacement until the actual grandchild is able to do human like things...and laugh.


Jeplen 'pre-laughing'.

Back to the non-humans.
Baxter is in love with Eva.
Baxter wants to do everything Eva does.
Eva is a bit older, much larger, totally easy going, a Baxter magnet and she loves to swim.
She also loves the water to get away from Baxter because he does not ever leave her alone and he DOES NOT LIKE the water.....at all.

So to keep this Re-mom amused, this is one of the many 'shows' my faux human children do that keep me laughing.
Hope you enjoy.



Baxter: 'Ok I'll try this water thing.
Eva: 'Sure just paddle and splash!'
Baxter: Ok, Ok, Um....no, No, NOOOOOOO!

Sometimes life isn't so sucky.
:)

Gray Grandma

I have been a Re-mom for 6 weeks now.
He is fabulous, wiggly, hungry, adorable and loved.
A force to be reckoned with.


Sweet Jeplen

So to get into character as the grandmother of this tiny human I have decided to stop with the highlights and let my gray hair shine through.
After trying to make a highlights hair appointment 2 weeks ago and my favorite stylist was too booked to get me in, I made the 'gray' decision.
(that really helped push me over the fence and embrace my grandmother role)
I was terrified when I first considered it, but then I seized the "I'm old, you're not the boss of me" attitude.
(Getting old is actually becoming fun!)

Here is where I am now:


Gray roots.


Gray roots head shot.


Re-mom with gray beginnings.

Will I keep it long?
I'm sure.

Will I look old?
I'm sure.

Will that be ok?
I'm not sure.


Thanks for sharing the journey.

Lent..... 40 days of posts?!?

Lent starts today.
(thank-you Fat Tuesday and The Cheesecake Factory!!)
In case you don't know, here is what Lent is....
A fast for 40 days and nights.
It is our human attempt to understand what Jesus went through in the desert with no food or water AND being tempted by the devil for the said amount of time.
A puny human attempt.......but at least an attempt.
Years ago our family decided not only would we give up something, we would take on something.
The taking on something (it is supposed to be beneficial) is often harder than giving up something.
This year I am giving up red meat and taking on writing.
Everyday.
I already have high blood pressure.........
But our 40 days and nights are not supposed to be easy.
And I have a tendency to quickly get in "I'm old, I don't HAVE to do anything" moods.
But I truly love to write, and often neglect pretty good ideas.
So if there is anyone out there who could possibly find what I'm thinking, doing, seeing, writing interesting, then here we go.
Thanks for joining me and let me know how Lent is going with YOU !!!!


(Lent is alot about attitude! LOL!)