Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Apparently I Am Becoming An Insect.

Being wintertime here in the South, there are not so many insects showing their faces in the mostly cold weather.
T h a n k goodness.
FACT --->>> THERE 200 MILLION INSECTS FOR EVERY HUMAN ON THE PLANET!! <<<---- That seems to be an extraordinarily large number of bugs! Especially since the last time I checked I had way more extermination products, including frogs, than I had bug salons and bug coffee shops. I must say that I am actually grateful for most bugs though. Butterflies, bumblebees, praying mantises, flies, tics and fire ants are all here for a reason. Just kidding. Flies, tics and fire ants are really just miniature monsters from an alien planet and their main reason is to help us understand bug related paranoia with perfect clarity.
Even spiders are not that bad.
After all, most of us have a soft spot for Spiderman.
Maybe because he has a penchant for helping people.
Well, maybe, but Spiderman is still a weird little adorable freak to me.
Speaking of bugs...
For Christmas I got this microfiber towel.

Microfiber Christmas Towel....Of doom.

Are you already ahead of me on this...?
Dadgummit but those things should be banned from the planet
Even after lotioning, my hands apparently have those little insect nubs that attach to every single surface when I use that towel.
The towel turns me into a bug.
I hate it.
It creeps me out.
This also happens to me with some sheets and blankets and my rarely shaved winter legs.
(If you regularly shave your legs in winter then I am afraid that we cannot be friends, unless you live in a tropical climate then I am just jealous and will not hold it against you.)
I sleepily turn over and there is this scraping, snaggy sensation that makes me feel like my body is trying to get unstuck from fly paper.
Then I become fully awake and sleep eludes me.
It is the same entomological affliction that affects my hands and a certain kind of towel.
It is unnerving...and totally weird, unless you belong to one of yours and mine 200,000,000 crunchy, exoskeletoned acquaintances.
But then is it really t h a t weird?
What if it were a real transformation?
Wouldn't hanging on the ceiling at the Dr's office or climbing a wall at the mall to get past some slow moving lollygaggers be a hoot?
But alas, so far it is just my imagination run amok because of some linens.
It's gonna be a great year.

Anybody need a holiday towel?

Thanks for being here.