Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Night Time is the Bright Time.

Being a grandmother gives me the opportunity to take care of my grandson a couple days a week.
This involves getting up before most of the world and driving in the dark.
Which here in the mountains involves darkness that is v e r y dark.
Except when I'm behind a school bus.
Don't know what they have in your area, but we have buses that have a white strobe light on the roof that is bright enough to send a signal Mars.
I can only assume that it is to prevent other vehicles from crashing into kids or the bus itself.
Makes sense.
But only a little, because it is a freaking blinking nightmare that makes me drive all angry and squinty eyed while trying not to have a brain spasm as the intermittent flash penetrates every cell in my body.
I thought bright blinking things were banned as a result of the 1997 Pokemon anime that gave children seizures.
Not banned in this part of the world apparently.
Well now school buses aren't the only ones with these death-ray laser strobes.
This morning I was behind an emergency vehicle for 5 eternally long miles and it had not 1 but 5, count 'em, 5 blinking lights flashing in my newly awakened face.
Let me tell you gentle readers that all I could think of was "Don't crash", "Don't crash", "Look at the road", "You can do this".
Well that's not all I could think of, but my 'don't swear in public' rule, is pretty imbedded in my psyche and I don't want to burden you with my potty mouth.
Are folks driving and behaving so well that emergency vehicles are out for late night/early morning drives trying to drum up business?
No, that can't be the reason for the 'Lights of Craziness'.
I have known several EMT's and firemen and they really are a caring bunch.
Do that many people mistake emergency vehicles for just a regular vehicle and therefore they can crash it if necessary?
What is the world coming to.
The end of the five mile stretch was now in sight and the strobing vehicle was turning left and I was going right.
Just in the nick of time too, my brain was starting to melt and my will to live wanted to drive off the side of the mountain.
So I look over to see if it was an ambulance or a fire truck.....
It was a garbage truck!?!?!?!
A what?
Yes a garbage truck.
For One thing...How can the workers see the garbage when it is pitch black outside.
For Two things...Garbage will still be there when the sun comes up. Most of my garbage is pretty stationary.
For Three things...We are now protecting our garbage?
Garbage collectors deserve many more accolades and dollars than they actually get and my family appreciates their work immensely, but I was almost turned into a veritable mental basket case driving down the road while trash was being protected in a strobing vehicle of immeasurable lumens.
I'm all about protecting our kids and folks in the service sector but is 'Pokemon Shock Syndrome' the way to go?
Do people really not see the other 14 red and yellow lights placed all over the back of these working vehicles.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe nobody talks about this interstellar vehicle signaling, brain disrupting, cartoon inspired system because after a certain sequence of blinks your memory is wiped of everything that happened for the last hour.
I'm just guessing.

Thanks for being here.

Psychotic Alien Inspired Warning Technology

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Slow Down Time but Shorten Your Life Expectancy.

If you are reading this and you want to know how to slow down time down a bit
then just sit outside...near the woods...in the dark...by yourself...watching for meteors to fly by.
Each minute is long and terrifying.
It's like watching the movie Alien for the first time.
You know that the main character(the Alien) is gonna suddenly appear at any second but you can't turn away or close your eyes because if you do then there was no point in paying money to endure the torture.
Meteor showers are free but it is still the same type of torture and suffering, when you have to be alone in the darkness.
The sounds occurring in the dark night are unnerving but you endure them because the main character(the meteors) could appear at any second and if you go in the house then what was the point of getting up so early.
Maybe I like space because Earth has things that are creepy, crawly and curious but I can't escape from them or even move because I'm tangled up in a freaking blanket that is wrapped around my feet making it impossible to make a fast getaway when and if an alien animal ventured out of the woods and scared the bejeebus out of me.
There is something attractive about space though that makes me endure this life sucking, nighttime, outdoor fear, possibly because the universe doesn't make menacing noises that could make a person soil herself.
So I wait.
Trying to be an adult.
Searching the skies for the next piece of burning space debris to fly by my little treeless viewing hole that lets me connect to the great beyond.
And I wait.
Just a branch falling?
Was that closer?
If I look around or turn on my flashlight then I might miss a shooting star because I will look away from space and blind myself.
Be very still and if it is a bear and I don't move then maybe he'll go right past me.
Two noises?
Should I go in the house?
Maybe this is the wrong day?
I have to go the bathroom.
Where are all these meteors they were talking about?
I've been out here forever.
Let me check my phone.
It's been 3 minutes.
I can't see.
OK. Eyes in focus again.
Hey, There goes one!
Not too big, but I'll take it.
There goes a satellite!
This is awesome!
I'll wait another little bit.
Dadgum, what was that.
Bug in my face.
Please God, can't I be invisible when I need to be.
Ooooo. There's another meteor!
Excitement makes me brave and I wait some more.
YES! There is another one.
That was too close.
Ok. That's enough.
Go in the house and make coffee.
I'm alive!
I saw 3 meteors and a satellite!
I gave up my sleep and body warmth but it was worth it!

It's been 15, maybe 20 total minutes.


Thanks for being here.

The next show is the Leonid Meteor Shower.
Peak time is November 17-18th
No aliens please.

The woods near me has some terrifying wildlife.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

A List to Add to Your Lists.

I was thinking about my next birthday and the fact that I will be almost, kinda, truly very old.
So during my long journey I have learned a few things that I wish someone had told me long ago that I wanted to share with younger folks, who I've also learned don't listen to the wisdom of the elderly any way...so my thoughts make perfect blogging material.
This list (and you know I always have a list) was written in the middle of the night and seemed fabulous at the time.
Plus I was typing on my phone with the display/brightness turned all the way down so my husband would not wake up and derail my train of thought and then wake up the dogs with his sleepy voice questions and then the whole point of laying quietly in bed is moot.
Here is a copy of my mostly unedited list of things I've learned....so far.

-Be nice to people. It's hard sometimes, but if you're a jerk to a jerk, it magnifies the jerkiness of everyone's day and everything in your orbit.
-Invest in the best mattress you can afford. Life is hard and at the end of a sucky day your bed should be your best friend and always there for you to come home to.
-Linens too.
-Invest in the best bra you can afford. You wear it every single dadgum day so don't skrimp and be uncomfortable or droopy.
-Eat the best food you can buy or cook. Food is a pleasure and a joy. No guilt.
-Don't live in the past and that means your memory is a memory. Thank goodness for photos.
-Don't take anything personally and that means anything. Most people: 1) like the sound of their own voice, 2) are parroting something they've heard or 3) they're just mean. If they're just mean it means that they hate themselves already so you don't have to waste your time hating them too or worrying yourself about their idiotic comments.
-Don't believe everything you hear, see or read. If your gut tells you it's questionable then it probably is.
-Which leads to.....
-Question everything. Yes it drives some people crazy, but it was a short drive for them anyway. People don't wanna think things through anymore so question every single gosh darn thing until it makes sense.
-Except chocolate. Just enjoy chocolate because life is short.

Thank-you for being here.

The best hot chocolate in the world.
It will make you feel young again!
It's that good.
Paul's French Cafe in London

Thursday, October 8, 2015

I Can't Seem to Catch Up!

I can't seem to catch up.
Every little task seems like 7 big projects.
When I can't catch up then I can't seem to write because my mind is full of 10 million things I have crazily deemed more important than posting on my blog.
The gray matter goes into hurricane mode and not one idea will come into focus, bubble to the surface or even fly by in a wind gust.
I have been busy traveling, so playing catch up at home has consumed my thoughts, my naps and all available scrap paper for making lists.
I can't seem to think of or remember a blog idea long enough to get at the computer or find a piece of paper AND a pen to write on that paper because my house looks like a hurricane went through it and I have to practically machete my way across any given room to then begin the process of documenting information in any way, so a blog idea has to be filed away mentally in the 'where have I heard that before' file that is usually cryptic and rarely recallable.
(That sentence was so long that I need GPS to get back to the beginning. Sheesh.)
If I do get one thing done it leads to 15 other mind numbing things that now need done as a result of the first thing and all 16 things are probably already listed on another list that I can't locate.
I think my brain fried as I tried to prepare for all the traveling I did because I am NOT a good traveler.
I stress.
I stress about leaving.
I stress about forgetting to bring something.
I stress about something I might forget to unplug.
I stress about crashing.
I stress about my pillow and loosing my glasses.
Let me sum up my stress and how I am before a trip with this reference from the What About Bob movie (which you need to put on your list of things to do because it is fab-u-lous!):

Bob Wiley: Well, I get dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, fever blisters, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort.
Dr. Leo Marvin: So the real question is, what is the crisis Bob? What is it you're truly afraid of?
Bob Wiley: What if my heart stops beating? What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find it, and... my bladder explodes?

That kind of stuff.

The endless stress has taken a toll on my brain cells by killing them outright or making them non-functional.
So I am trying to unwind, de-stress and get back into 'stay at home' mode.
I want to blog and write and compose a few thoughts, but my brain won't let me.
Neither will my lists.
So what is this post?
This post is me and my blogging self telling my brain, "You're not the boss of me!"
'Maybe you can catch up on everything before your next travel excursion', my brain tells me.
Good one!
Silly brain.

Thanks for being here.

This is me right now.