Sunday, June 28, 2015

You NEED A Pinecone!


For some weird reason my mother thought I needed to have this pinecone.
I asked her why and she claims it's because we don't have any this big in the mountains.
I didn't know we needed any.
It is 10 1/2 inches tall....prickly.....lopsided.......and......a pinecone.......
It was very confusing to me when my son and I arrived at her home and she said that she had saved this pinecone for me.
"I'm sure you can do something with it", she said proudly knowing my love of crafting.
But I'm not 7 years old any more.
I immediately thought, 'firestarter' but couldn't say it out loud and just said "Ok", leaving the pinecone on the trunk of her car and moving on with other activities
We spent the next few days enjoying the visit and not thinking about the pinecone.
When the time came to leave and we were actually ready to pull out of the drive, she waves us to stop and says "Ooohhh, you forgot your pinecone!"
Dadgummitt...Yes I did....
Gotta take the pinecone.
She seemed pretty normal, healthy and stable during our visit, but the obsession over this pinecone threw my assurance of her mental state off a bit.
So being the loving daughter required by law that I am, the pinecone sits on my desk.
Next to my computer.
Creeping me out a bit.
So I made the pinecone more personable.
Sort of like Wilson in the Castaway movie

Personable Pinecone

I sent the picture to my mother and texting back she says, "I love it! I will have to do that to mine!"
She has one?
I know the tree of origin has many pinecone children but not all of them can be household decorating accessories.
Is there a karma connection or just a guilt one.
It is kind of unsettling.
So to make matters even more bizarre and disturbing, my pinecone now has outfits.

"Let's eat Mexican Food" Pinecone!"

Goth Pinecone.

Cowboy Pinecone.

Mentor Pinecone.

"I am craving Hawaiian Pizza" Tropical Pinecone.

Strangely it was a wee bit fun playing with my pinecone.
But please don't tell my mother.
Or she will send me home with a bag full of the things next time I see her.

Thanks for being here.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Now you see me.....

Went to the store today in search of a necklace.
The 'perfect' necklace was my goal, to wear with a new dress I adored and had purchased for a hotsy totsy shindig I must attend this weekend.
The torment of this post is that I am a horrible shopper.
Not only am I bad at it, I don't like it.
No, thats too mild.....I hate it!
Horrible at it and hating it are probably symptomatic of each other and might not be in this story at all if I had unlimited hours on the clock, lots of extra money to use while shopping for myself and if.....
...there were no mirrors.
Mirrors are the worst.
The only time I use them at home is to look at my hair tangles, to check my face for any wayward hairs, zits and stranded broccoli or to make sure my slip is not showing.
But to go to a store and see myself from every direction, in bright light (my house is dark...shall we say cave-like?) makes me double take in shock and look for the ropes to hold down this Macy's Day Parade balloon person I saw in the mirror.
Shopping for myself and by public...means I want something very badly or very quickly, or both, but as soon as I got a glimpse of myself in the 3 way mirror I was ready to go home.
(Well, I was ready to go home as soon as I got out of the car, but I was on a mission)
A necklace is, was and never will be enough to 'accentuate the positive'.
My mind has been playing tricks on me, convincing me that 'one more cookie won't matter'.
It apparently matters very much and I fell for it easily and repeatedly without the benefit of a giant mirror, bright lights and a positive self image.
"But hey, snap out of it!"
"No pity parties here!"
At least not enough pity or party to warrant a change of lighting, bigger mirrors and life without cookies.
I'm healthy, mostly happy, loved by some and my 80 year old mother has reminded me for years that "The older you get, the more your body does whatever the heidi-ho it wants to anyway", so I just need to embrace who I am and move on with my life.
So I will.
After all, everyday puts me one step closer to the grave where there will be no need for shopping... or mirrors.

No mirrors!

Oh, I did not find a necklace today.
I have to go out again tomorrow...................

Thanks for being here.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Swampy Alien Noises...

Do your insides ever make wierd noises?
Noises like something was taking a nap under the surface layer of some swamp muck and it just turned over to get more comfortable and made the blurping, bubbley, squishy sound that is so low frequency you're worried that your WiFi signal will be disrupted?
Or perhaps it's an alien egg that snuck it's way into my gut by way of my leftovers that became a pot of vegtable soup that was made the other day and now has fully matured and is ready to unleash it's huge mandibles on an unsuspecting, politically correct, ethnically diverse group of people!!
My 80 year old mother advises me not to worry.
"The older you get the more your body does whatever the heidi-ho it wants to do anyway".
Which is a remarkable comment coming from her because she's a worrier and she gives more money to her Doctor than to her church, and she LOVES her church and she never says heidi-ho.
I just added the heidi-ho because that is what I would say and my mother would never tell me not to worry.
Like I said she LOVES her Doctor or should I say Doctors for they are many, and would visit them if her air conditioner went out.
No, in reality she just called a repairman for that but went to the Doctor because her hot flashes were flaring up again.
I don't think she believed me when I said it was just a broken air conditioner that made her hot.
She lives in Florida for crying out loud.
It was 89 degrees in the shade...with a breeze...and a cold drink.
She is just trying not to die.
But aren't we all?
Even our gut monsters just wanna live.
They probably would prefer to live in air-conditioning.
But why do they live so noisily?
My Doctor says it's a good thing when your gut makes noises.
It means that "things are working down there".
What is working?
The swampy alien things?
My Doctor is probably just a black market swampy alien dispersal unit and instead of giving me a vaccine is really injecting swampy alien gut seeds into me and when the time is right, in a quiet moment, after I have just blamed the dog on my loud gut rumblings.......I will burp loudly......and all will be right with my world.
"Pardon me, please".
(Said with a sweet southern drawl and a demure smile)

Must be.....Swamp Gas....

Thanks for being here.

Since there really is no picture I could add to this post to help illustrate my intestinal anguish, here is a pile of adorable puppies that will never worry about swampy alien gut noises. Enjoy.

Cute, Alien Free Swamp Puppies.

Just kidding, just Alien Free Puppies.
No Swamp involved.
They were born in the Mountains.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Just Thought You Should Know...

Bought a fridge 2 years ago.
First one we have purchased in.. oh...12 years?
Refrigerators are supposed to grow old with you.
Old refrigerators help you remember where your ketchup is or if the meatloaf is still any good.
But when they quit and the 'job-well-done' eulogy is said as they are wheeled away, you are grateful that they had a long, good, working existence.
Now, apparently, according to repair-people, if you get one that lasts 5-7 years then you got a bargain.
A 5 year old fridge is still learning where the best place to keep the orange juice is!
So, our 2 year old fridge quit working.
The manufacturer (Whirlpool) and the seller( Lowes) could care less.
BOTH said that this is a common problem and that Extended Warranties are their only solution.
So my take away from that response is that unless you buy a warranty, which apparently Whirlpool and Lowes NOW tells us should always be done, that 2 years is more than you should expect in the uninterrupted service of your appliance and that we were lucky to get those 2 years!
So if it's that important why is it an option and not just added to the total purchase price?
Surely on some planet this make sense...
Or does it?
We have no recourse.
We have no fridge.
We have no desire to let this go unnoticed.
Below is our letter of gratitude for the lovely attitude we received from the corporate world.

Hello Whirlpool,

Thank you so much for your simulatedly helpful response to our issue with the Whirlpool French Door Bottom Mount Refrigerator, # WRF990SLAM00.
It is so refreshing to find a company that says they build quality appliances and then they stand behind these appliances with a wonderful refusal to offer customer service.
Your ability to keep the networks of American employment open as we repeatedly wait, watch and pay for our repairman to troubleshoot the issue that originated in your factory is simply apathy at its finest.
Because lack of service and sub-par quality like yours is so rare we wanted you to know that we will tell everyone about our emotional, bank rupturing experience.
It is amazing that Whirlpool understands the consumer so well that you are able to realize that saving thousands of dollars to spend on an appliance that only lasts 2 years is the American Dream!
Two whole years…and we had dared to hope for so many more!
Thanks again for taking time out of your busy day of fabricating quality and overcharging customers to read this letter.

With Sincere and Opposite Implications,
Jeff and Sherry XXXXXXX

Made a little video to show you how we feel right now.

Whirlpool Love

Blog lesson of the day:
"Extended warranties are a corporations twisted way or coercing customers into giving them permission to make inferior products."

Thanks for being here.
Just thought you should know.