Thursday, June 4, 2015

Swampy Alien Noises...

Do your insides ever make wierd noises?
Noises like something was taking a nap under the surface layer of some swamp muck and it just turned over to get more comfortable and made the blurping, bubbley, squishy sound that is so low frequency you're worried that your WiFi signal will be disrupted?
Or perhaps it's an alien egg that snuck it's way into my gut by way of my leftovers that became a pot of vegtable soup that was made the other day and now has fully matured and is ready to unleash it's huge mandibles on an unsuspecting, politically correct, ethnically diverse group of people!!
My 80 year old mother advises me not to worry.
"The older you get the more your body does whatever the heidi-ho it wants to do anyway".
Which is a remarkable comment coming from her because she's a worrier and she gives more money to her Doctor than to her church, and she LOVES her church and she never says heidi-ho.
I just added the heidi-ho because that is what I would say and my mother would never tell me not to worry.
Like I said she LOVES her Doctor or should I say Doctors for they are many, and would visit them if her air conditioner went out.
No, in reality she just called a repairman for that but went to the Doctor because her hot flashes were flaring up again.
I don't think she believed me when I said it was just a broken air conditioner that made her hot.
She lives in Florida for crying out loud.
It was 89 degrees in the shade...with a breeze...and a cold drink.
She is just trying not to die.
But aren't we all?
Even our gut monsters just wanna live.
They probably would prefer to live in air-conditioning.
But why do they live so noisily?
My Doctor says it's a good thing when your gut makes noises.
It means that "things are working down there".
What is working?
The swampy alien things?
My Doctor is probably just a black market swampy alien dispersal unit and instead of giving me a vaccine is really injecting swampy alien gut seeds into me and when the time is right, in a quiet moment, after I have just blamed the dog on my loud gut rumblings.......I will burp loudly......and all will be right with my world.
"Pardon me, please".
(Said with a sweet southern drawl and a demure smile)

Must be.....Swamp Gas....

Thanks for being here.

Since there really is no picture I could add to this post to help illustrate my intestinal anguish, here is a pile of adorable puppies that will never worry about swampy alien gut noises. Enjoy.

Cute, Alien Free Swamp Puppies.

Just kidding, just Alien Free Puppies.
No Swamp involved.
They were born in the Mountains.


  1. Soooo, I looked up images of "alien gut noises" and you DO NOT want to see what came up. Pure grossness.

    The funny thing about this post is that as I was reading I thought to myself that I did not remember ever in my life hearing mom say "Heidi-ho." Then you verified my suspicions that it was not true. Funny human!

    Also, when mom was telling me once about going to the doctor yet again, (not because of hot flashes - I guess her a/c was working at that time or it was winter) her reasoning was that she was going because still had money left on the "maximum annual limit' her insurer would pay to her doctors - I yelled that maximum is just a number!! Not a GOAL!" She didn't see the humor.

    But I sure did in this post! Thanks for sharing!

  2. Hahahaha ! You should be a professional blog commenter!
    "...just a number! Not a GOAL!" Priceless!!!!