Sunday, November 1, 2015

Exercise Smeckzercise

I'm no Doctor, I just play one on my blog.
So I advise myself as I grow older that planned exercise should be less and less of a priority with each passing day.
No not really.
I advise myself to exercise a lot and keep moving, but who listens to their doctor?
Not me.
Phyllis Diller inspired me with her quote: “My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
I totally agree with her.
But it seems that mother nature has taken my jumping jackless attitude to heart and coerced my body into involuntarily moving.
A weak bladder.
Not just the sneezing, laughing too hard, jumping on the trampoline kind of weak bladder either.
I have the get up in the middle of the night 8-10 times kind.
My routine burns calories by getting up and out and back into again a bed that is 12 inches higher off the ground than most beds.
I also work my abdominals by tossing and turning from side to side trying to delay, ignore or at least get comfortable for one stinking minute, each and every time the call of nature shrieks in the night.
I can really work up a sweat in 6-8 hours.
And nightgowns are the only clothing needed for this work-out.
During the day I can go for extended periods of time and not even give my bladder a passing problem, but once I grab a blanket and pillow and try to relax, then some of my organs think it's time to get busy and stop relaxing.
I could blame having children and sometimes I do.
I could blame aging and sometimes I do.
I could not blame anything and stop being a cry baby.
It's life.
It's involuntary exercise and that's better than no exercise at all.
So Mother Nature wins.
She thinks exercise is important and is going to see that my training gets done no matter what time of day or night it is.
She is a demanding coach who can't be ignored.
I have acquired some new skills as a result of her guidance too.
Getting around quietly in the dark has become a breeze, delayed gratification is practiced most nights and keeping fit with my many porcelain throne squats has given me thighs that any Spartan would be proud to have.
So there it is my friends.
Exercise comes in the strangest ways.
It's no triathlon or exercise competition, but every workout starts with a step.
Step out of the bed.
Hit the floor.
Turn right.
5 steps.
Turn right again.
9 steps.
Watch out for the dresser.
Turn left.
4 steps.
Turn left again.
2 steps.
Goal achieved.
Repeat 8 times nightly or as needed.
Doctors orders.

Thanks for being here.

After a Successful Night Workout.

Just kidding.
I have long hair.


  1. Am I wrong to laugh at your misery? Ha. But really-- what is it about the end of day that makes the bladder kick into gear? I used to travel on long-ass bus rides in SE Asia and I could hold my bladder for-freaking-ever so I wouldn't have to pee on the side of the road with everyone else. But now? We have to pause our Netflix binges mid-stream. That's a less than 42 minute wait right there. It's a real problem. I feel you.

    1. Please laugh away as needed.
      But cross your legs.......
      You are a champion at 42 minutes and I salute you!

  2. I keep waiting to turn into one of those people who LOVES to exercise, who becomes addicted to it, and can't wait to run to the gym. It hasn't happened yet. I went to an acupuncturist recently. She grabbed my hand, flipped it over, inspected it and said, "You don't do enough cardio." Good luck to you on your fitness journey--it starts with the first step:).

    1. I have heard the myths surrounding the people who love exercise, but I'm thinking that they only exist in fairy tales.
      If I find a fairy god mother who can help out, I will let her know that you're interested.
      Then we both can do more cardio!

  3. As I have told you I do "Image Aerobics." I IMAGINE I am doing aerobics. But the nightly pee ritual has also begun at my house. Because of this post suggesting that is actually 'exercise' I am adding 2 points to my Weight Watchers daily count for 'too many trips to the bathroom.' Thanks for the extra shot of vodka! :)

    Loved the post!

  4. I was fine before I started reading this, but now I have to go to the ... gym.