Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I swear, its not what you think......

If you are easily offended or detest foul language then just skip on to the next thing on your to-do list because this post is a tribute to master cussers.
It seems that I feel the need to acknowledge these curse word artists because they fill a descriptive vacancy in my vocabulary.
Though many claim to be master cussers, the ones I commend here are experts and can turn a phrase or sentence, full of obscenities, into a thing of eloquent beauty and take my breath away with their abilities.
They are to swear words what Bob Ross is to canvas.
I can not compete.
I can not even begin.
My relationship to foul language is not unlike a person in recovery and I have
been on the swear-'wagon' for decades.
I know my limits.
I can't say the stuff.
My vocabulary would quickly become profane and offensive in the least likely of places.
"That is the cutest &*@%$#% baby I ever saw".
That kind of thing.
So I must refrain from cursing at all.
I don't worry too much about wasting my unused allotment of dirty words because I willingly give the master cussers in this world my portion.
Sort of imaginary recyclable profanity that is sustainable and ethically managed.
Shall we begin....

The F#%*ling.
One of my master cuss virtuosos is my oldest daughter.
Don't ask me how, don't ask me why.
She learned it young and she learned it fast.
She did not learn it from her parents.
But when she is wound up or excited about something she can tell the story of an experience or
describe an event so appropriately, effortlessly and hysterically uncensored that even the Pope would be wiping away his tears of appreciation.
She has tried to quit or at least cut down (sadly there are no patches to end cussing) with no success, so she has had to embrace and master her skill.
Her abilities compare to a treasure at Sotheby's.

The F#%*ess.
My second master cuss champion is a well known blogger who also has the gift of retelling conversations and describing
events with profanity placed precisely and perfectly.
She also posts many pictures with expertly inserted expletives.
If I go for a week without reading one of her posts I find that there is no point to even having a computer.
She uses the f-word like a guru.
And the awesome thing about her is that I think she would possibly enjoy being called 'The F**kess' on some days.
Her talent is a skillful, exquisite and revered by her followers.

The F#%*er.
My third and final master cuss boss is known for and only needs one swear word in various forms to get his point across.
He uses the f-bomb with the skill and accuracy of a competitive marksman.
He can expertly use it like a Jedi when discussing snakes on aircraft or reading books about compelling children to go to sleep.
Since I don't know him personally I can only assume he uses his f-word to pay his utility bills or persuade politicians to get stuff done.
He is that capable.
His mastery is legendary.

Their artistry is profound.
Their gifts seem inspired.
They are clever, gifted, accomplished and more than occasionally, offensive.
But I will still adore them.
I will still keep my expletives quiet.
I swear.

Thanks for &x%$#@! being here.
Sorry---couldn't resist.

Thanks for being here.

P.S. You didn't hear it from me......

Also thanks to April, Jenny and Samuel.


  1. Too offensive??? What the fuck??!! I would not have even thought to use ‘offensive' in context with this fucking post. It is fucking perfect!! Do you hear me?? Fucking perfect asshole!! You are a fucking metaphor genius!

    1. I totally and in most every other way LOVE my readers!!!!!!!
      Do I sense a new 'master' in the works?

  2. P.P.S.
    But you will probably hear it from me.
    Sorry, Mom.
    I tried.
    The F#%*ling