I Will Kidney Stone You!

There are all kinds of maladies in life.
Some are inconvenient, like ringworm, pink eye or having gas.
Some are annoying, like a paper cut, hangnail or having a husband with gas.
BUT SOME ARE FREAKING PAINFUL!
Like a kidney stone.
I had my very first stone experience yesterday.
For hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.
Yes, 18 hours of complete and total suffering.
No sleeping, no comfort, no eating or drinking.
No anything except enduring.
I kept thinking things would get better, but no.
NO!
After a few hours of misery I beg to be taken to the Emergency Room, because that's where the drugs are.
They take your blood, your information, all your money and then give you some of their heavily guarded drugs because you are telling them you are in level 10 pain and about to spew on some shiny $150 Medical Professional Dansko shoes which is just not good.
So after a CT scan, the Emergency Room folks tell me there are 2 moving stones!
Not 1 but 2 freaking stones trying to leave my body because I had grown them so large you could make jewelry with them and they had to get out and be worshipped.
The Dr. said the stones were 7 millimeters and 8 millimeters which in 'American' measuring is huge and really huge.
He also said they were chasing each other down my ureter, which in 'Not-a-doctor' speak, is kidney tube that is made not big enough to be having kidney stones of any size racing around.
If you have never had a kidney stone then God loves you more than me and you are going to heaven.
If you have had one then you know for sure that there is a hell because you were at the gate and it is a vile thing.
So the drugs kick in and you think you might be alright and just when you begin to have hope again...the stones move.
Not just move but zoom to some arbitrary point in my renal system with Freddy Krueger gloves and Edward Scissorhand brand tennis shoes shredding up everything on the way.
The terror, the violence, the nausea, the pain, the complete helplessness.
I have heard the phrase "I will cut you" when people want to be threatening.
Threatening with the promise of pain.
That would, should and does scare me.
No doubt!
But please 'cut' me before you threaten me with " I will Kidney Stone you!"
It is absolutely grievous and dreadful and to be feared above most everything.
I am better now though and wanted to let my readers know they should drink LOTS of water every day so you all can avoid this unbidden body violence.

Thanks for being here.

P.S. Did I forget to mention that I still have a 6 millimeter stone in my kidney. So I really had 3 stones that meant me harm. The Dr. was kind enough to tell me the 6mm one could stay in the kidney forever or it could dislodge whenever it felt like it - because it is a crazy, evil beyotch.
Not really. He said everything up to the last 7 words of the previous sentence.
P.S.S. So I am basically a walking time bomb. It's the not knowing that is the trouble.
No, not really again. It is the fear of the pain that is the trouble.
No, not really again x2. It's both.


Cute baby cow that doesn't have kidney stones.